I was very reluctant to write this

One of the main points of this blog is to examine and in time develop the intersections between music and Parkinson's.

Last night Lynne and I attended Springfest at Blackpool, Waterloo venue - familiar territory for us both, having worked there at various times over several years as merch guys, tour manager, manager with Blaze Bayley and Absolva, and booking agent's rep for Firewind. It's a great venue notable for many things including a strong Motorhead / Lemmy influence especially the fantastic array of memorabilia. It's a place where I should and normally do feel extremely comfortable.

Many good friends and associates were there, notably my metal brother from Belgium, Mr. Hell (Nico Di Vreese) and his wife Sabine, John and Josi, David Corbett, Bruce Fleming and many more from the ever-stronger rock community in the UK, with fans/audiences that have become accustomed to supporting the underdog bands as well as the legends. The main bands I saw were Pyroclast and King Kraken. Pyroclast was a first time 'see' for me - excellent and vocalist Mark had great vocal range, whilst King Kraken were good also, although I think I perhaps prefer them with the 2 guitar line-up they had previously. King Kraken also played a song about a son losing his father, which had me close to tears. It's the fist time I've experienced that as a crowd member having recently suffered just such a bereavement and I don't mind admitting it was tough for me to get through the song with a dry eye.

As in the title above, this is a blog I was reluctant to write but in committing myself to writing open and honestly, and in remembering the biggest recent effects on me – Parkinson's and a bereavement - it's a large part of what I'm here for. This was my second gig since the Parkinson's has kicked my health problems into overdrive in comparison to previous years, and I have also found the loss of my Dad incredibly hard to take (even though he reached the amazing age 100 years, for which both he and I were grateful).

Nevertheless, last night at the Waterloo I found it difficult whereas at KK's Steel Mill (Wolverhampton) a couple of weeks before I was ok which I think had a lot to do with the large size of the venue. Last night the attendance was great (200+ I heard from the promoter Kev Dodson and congratulations to him for that). But you know those little unintentional collisions when you're carrying drinks across the room which then inevitably spill, or that struggle to get to the loo as you weave your way through the crowd - all things which as an audience and as a community are normally like water off a duck's back - I found very claustrophobic and ill-at-ease.

I've been working in such environments for almost 20 years and I found it really upsetting to be feeling out-of-sorts. Normally working as a tour manager which is a crucial, pivotal role between artist, audience, venue management, venue staff, promoter etc, I would almost claim the venue as my own for the night. Last night I felt a million miles away from that. I hope I get it back, don't want to lose it, that is fear.

Anyhow, prompted by Lynne who was designated driver, we left the show early (cardinal sin usually), just as King Kraken were about to finish, so apologies to those folks who we failed to say goodnight to and to the 2 remaining bands, A'priori and Skarlett Riot who I imagine did indeed cause a riot - in a good way!

By the way, no sympathy please. That's not what this is about. Maybe it will be a long way back and I just need more shows, but today I am at least able to write and despite delivering this account with a sober tone, I remain positive... and gloriously defiant!

Rock on!